- Don't be afraid to ask parents if they will share their family's story. With adoption, with or with out special needs, this is a nice way to ask without making presumptions, and without blundering through the 'getting to know you' process. This helps avoid questions like "what happened to him" or "what is wrong with him" and of course the adopted side questions like "which are your real kids" and "what happened to his parents". All of those are questions born from natural curiosity, but they can be asked more appropriately and answered to the extent the parents want to share with a request to hear their family story instead :).
- Invite the family to events, a Sunday school class, and the children to children's programming. When we consider what an active church membership looks like, we think of a fairly regular Sunday attendance, activity in a weekly or monthly study, life group, or other class, and having built healthy relationships within the church that go 'outside church walls'. Consider how this can be accomplished for a family with a child with special needs. Ask them if they would like to attend a class or life group or other activity, and find out what would need to happen for that parent to attend. Most of the time, child care will be the biggest issue. People raising adopted children with special needs often do not have the extra finances to pay for a weekly or even monthly babysitter for their children in order to attend a Bible study. Can a volunteer be brought to the location of a life group to watch the children? Is there church child care that can be adapted to care for the child with special needs?
- If the family doesn't have the ability to go out for a meal after church, as many families do to build relationships with new friends, ask the parents what they would like to do instead. Could you bring a meal to their home to eat together? Or invite them to yours? Is there a specific restaurant that they know they can eat at because they've already established a routine there with their child with special needs? Families raising children with special needs need to know that accommodating their unique family makeup is not a burden, and that people genuinely want to get to know them and their family.
- Call when they miss a week or church or Bible study, even if you know that it's probably that their child wasn't able to go that week. Ask to friend them on FaceBook and when you know their child is in the hospital or having a procedure, recognize it and ask if there is anything they need. Pray for them and let them know that you are doing so. If you know their child is having a surgery or is sick, let them know you remembered the date (write it on your calendar) and that you are praying for them.
- Ask parents, genuinely, how their week has gone, and listen. Parents with children with special needs, in a general sense, often will not share their struggles because they are dealing with things like feeding tubes, 10 yr olds wearing diapers, and behavior concerns with a child that is cycling through different moods. They feel their "little" problems are big to other people, and they don't want to burden someone else with it because they don't want to hear another placating "God gives special children to special people" or "I could never do what you do." More so as a parent of adopted children with special needs, there is the above factor with the additional concern that they feel people's response is also "you chose this, deal with it." A listening ear, a comforting exchange where someone can listen to their difficulties but not be overwhelmed by them, genuinely caring about the things that come next, simply trusting that God has a plan in it all... that is what will keep a family that desires fellowship with the Lord and His People to keep coming back to a church and to have as active a membership as they can.
*We had been attending our current church for several months when an outside greeter in the parking lot said to one of our sons "So good to see you again! I missed you last week." We hadn't attended the previous week, and someone noticed. It wasn't said in a manner of "you should have been here" but rather "we noticed you're coming, we know who you are, and we care." It was an encouraging and quick greeting and at the large church that we attend, it gave us a little piece of "maybe we DO belong here..." It's hard to make connections more than the superficial "hi how are you" that come with a big church in the first place, but more so when you have children with special needs and aren’t sure if you are welcome.
- Invite the family to events, a Sunday school class, and the children to children's programming. When we consider what an active church membership looks like, we think of a fairly regular Sunday attendance, activity in a weekly or monthly study, life group, or other class, and having built healthy relationships within the church that go 'outside church walls'. Consider how this can be accomplished for a family with a child with special needs. Ask them if they would like to attend a class or life group or other activity, and find out what would need to happen for that parent to attend. Most of the time, child care will be the biggest issue. People raising adopted children with special needs often do not have the extra finances to pay for a weekly or even monthly babysitter for their children in order to attend a Bible study. Can a volunteer be brought to the location of a life group to watch the children? Is there church child care that can be adapted to care for the child with special needs?
- If the family doesn't have the ability to go out for a meal after church, as many families do to build relationships with new friends, ask the parents what they would like to do instead. Could you bring a meal to their home to eat together? Or invite them to yours? Is there a specific restaurant that they know they can eat at because they've already established a routine there with their child with special needs? Families raising children with special needs need to know that accommodating their unique family makeup is not a burden, and that people genuinely want to get to know them and their family.
- Call when they miss a week or church or Bible study, even if you know that it's probably that their child wasn't able to go that week. Ask to friend them on FaceBook and when you know their child is in the hospital or having a procedure, recognize it and ask if there is anything they need. Pray for them and let them know that you are doing so. If you know their child is having a surgery or is sick, let them know you remembered the date (write it on your calendar) and that you are praying for them.
- Ask parents, genuinely, how their week has gone, and listen. Parents with children with special needs, in a general sense, often will not share their struggles because they are dealing with things like feeding tubes, 10 yr olds wearing diapers, and behavior concerns with a child that is cycling through different moods. They feel their "little" problems are big to other people, and they don't want to burden someone else with it because they don't want to hear another placating "God gives special children to special people" or "I could never do what you do." More so as a parent of adopted children with special needs, there is the above factor with the additional concern that they feel people's response is also "you chose this, deal with it." A listening ear, a comforting exchange where someone can listen to their difficulties but not be overwhelmed by them, genuinely caring about the things that come next, simply trusting that God has a plan in it all... that is what will keep a family that desires fellowship with the Lord and His People to keep coming back to a church and to have as active a membership as they can.
*We had been attending our current church for several months when an outside greeter in the parking lot said to one of our sons "So good to see you again! I missed you last week." We hadn't attended the previous week, and someone noticed. It wasn't said in a manner of "you should have been here" but rather "we noticed you're coming, we know who you are, and we care." It was an encouraging and quick greeting and at the large church that we attend, it gave us a little piece of "maybe we DO belong here..." It's hard to make connections more than the superficial "hi how are you" that come with a big church in the first place, but more so when you have children with special needs and aren’t sure if you are welcome.