- Many people see the physical needs of our adopted children with special needs and not the emotional needs that they have. Many children have suffered severe trauma, neglect, abuse, the loss of their parents, nutritional concerns, etc that a child with special needs in their biological parents' care wouldn't likely have encountered. Caring for the child's physical needs is one thing, but recognizing boundaries that are common with newly adopted children who are having difficulty with bonding or adapting to their new life is something often overlooked. Children with special needs are not immune to the same difficulties that their typically developing peers exhibit, though wading the way through those challenges is often a greater task if the child cannot speak or sort through their experiences in a logical manner.
- Children with intellectual disabilities that have experienced trauma sometimes have even more difficulty generalizing their behaviors and experiences more than their 'typical' adopted peers, or their disabled peers who have not experienced trauma. In this, parents' boundaries are often very firm, and their request for those same boundaries to be upheld by others taking on their child's care is often the difference between a week or more of difficult behavior at home as a result of their time in the church, or of leaving the church relaxed and at ease.
-Adopted children with special needs who have difficulty with attachment may try to act much younger than they are capable of and attempt to manipulate caregivers to have them sit on their laps, be carried, or otherwise have the adults do everything for them. Again, this is a matter of boundaries. A general safety net would be not to allow the child to be 'babied' any more than you would another child of their age. An 11 yr old curled up on your lap? A 7 yr old being carried through the halls? Both of those sound unnecessary, however when a child is small for their age and asks for it... people give in. Parents will give you clues, and respecting those boundaries is crucial. Parents especially don't want to have to explain their child's behaviors, or the reasons that they are exhibiting those behaviors (an explanation of their past) every hour in order to explain why their boundaries are in place. This can be done privately if there is a need, but in the moment, supporting the parents' boundaries is crucial.
*This is specifically an area that I have experienced and many of my close friends who adopted children over 5 from overseas that the children have special needs have indicated to me. Our children revert to 'learned helplessness' and manipulation, and this often leads to major behavior problems when back with their primary caregivers. They see the adults as temporary people that will "flit in and flit out" and orphanage behavior comes back up. It often leads to rebellion when they are faced again by their parents. The child doesn't understand how to bond with the parent and is looking for the attention from everywhere else except where it is appropriate, and then they reject it. An illustration of this would be that if someone is looking for love in inappropriate ways but we know they need a saving relationship with Jesus Christ, we don't feed them boyfriends and artificial friends and send them to a help line to talk out their problems while they continuously reject God. We continually tell them "don't go to prostitution, you need Jesus." It is a different need of love and bonding for an adopted child, but what the child is seeking out is a prostituted love, not a true loving relationship, to try to protect their heart from the true relationship that they are afraid of with their parents.
- Children with intellectual disabilities that have experienced trauma sometimes have even more difficulty generalizing their behaviors and experiences more than their 'typical' adopted peers, or their disabled peers who have not experienced trauma. In this, parents' boundaries are often very firm, and their request for those same boundaries to be upheld by others taking on their child's care is often the difference between a week or more of difficult behavior at home as a result of their time in the church, or of leaving the church relaxed and at ease.
-Adopted children with special needs who have difficulty with attachment may try to act much younger than they are capable of and attempt to manipulate caregivers to have them sit on their laps, be carried, or otherwise have the adults do everything for them. Again, this is a matter of boundaries. A general safety net would be not to allow the child to be 'babied' any more than you would another child of their age. An 11 yr old curled up on your lap? A 7 yr old being carried through the halls? Both of those sound unnecessary, however when a child is small for their age and asks for it... people give in. Parents will give you clues, and respecting those boundaries is crucial. Parents especially don't want to have to explain their child's behaviors, or the reasons that they are exhibiting those behaviors (an explanation of their past) every hour in order to explain why their boundaries are in place. This can be done privately if there is a need, but in the moment, supporting the parents' boundaries is crucial.
*This is specifically an area that I have experienced and many of my close friends who adopted children over 5 from overseas that the children have special needs have indicated to me. Our children revert to 'learned helplessness' and manipulation, and this often leads to major behavior problems when back with their primary caregivers. They see the adults as temporary people that will "flit in and flit out" and orphanage behavior comes back up. It often leads to rebellion when they are faced again by their parents. The child doesn't understand how to bond with the parent and is looking for the attention from everywhere else except where it is appropriate, and then they reject it. An illustration of this would be that if someone is looking for love in inappropriate ways but we know they need a saving relationship with Jesus Christ, we don't feed them boyfriends and artificial friends and send them to a help line to talk out their problems while they continuously reject God. We continually tell them "don't go to prostitution, you need Jesus." It is a different need of love and bonding for an adopted child, but what the child is seeking out is a prostituted love, not a true loving relationship, to try to protect their heart from the true relationship that they are afraid of with their parents.